Beverage Dissemination Officer – Can I get a Coke?

I see a multitude of job ads in the course of a typical week at work.  As a Career Coach, a significant portion of my 9 to 5 (when not assisting clients with their employment skills) is spent online scouring through job boards and company websites while sipping my favourite carbonated beverage.  I don’t always read the employment ads word for word, and for the most part, I have a pretty good idea of what a company is looking for based on the job title.

Job titles typically sum up a position well.    Receptionist – the person that welcomes and receives clients and guests.  Project Coordinator – the person in charge of coordinating projects.  New Vehicle Sales – someone who sales new vehicles.  Teacher – umm someone who teaches.  See easy to understand, easy to know what the person’s job role and responsibilities would be.

However, the new trend is to be creative with job titles.  I blame Subway; they were one of the first companies to get creative and now employ “Sandwich Artists.”  With Sandwich Artists making my b.l.t. with extra olives and hold the jalapenos I would expect that my sub should, in fact, be a work of art.  “I’m sorry but the pickles and olives do not create a portrait.  I simply won’t stand for subpar subs.”

VaynerMedia, a digital media company, recently hired a Chief Heart Officer.  Now I would think that a heart officer may have to have a background in cardiology or at least cardiopulmonary resuscitation.  I’d be wrong.  At Vayner, the Chief Heart Office is responsible for reaching out and connecting one-on-one with the employees to ensure they are feeling valued.  And here I thought that was what pay cheques were for.   Happiness Hero’s apparently is also a new job title. In my mind, this would be the person that pops into my office and leaves behind offers to complete my month end reports and leaves me stockpiles of chocolate and Coke Zero.  Again I would be wrong for Happiness Hero is a new title for IT Support.  Sadly chocolate and Coke – Cola are not part of the job description.   How about this one?  Innovation Sherpa. “So Mikey, what do you want to be when you grow up?”  “I am going to be an Innovation Sherpa, I shall innovate while sherpaing…”  Ya, I don’t get it.  Apparently, the Innovation Sherpa doesn’t have to carry coworkers briefcases up the stairs while the rest take the elevator.  Who’d a figured?  What they really do – not a clue, and that’s after reading the entire job posting.

A local neighbourhood establishment recently posted that they were hiring a Beverage Dissemination Officer. Not a friggin clue what that meant so I read further.  It’s a bartender – they were hiring a bartender! For all that is holy just say bartender already.   Same thing with Thought Leader.  Can’t you just say Team Supervisor?

So here is my problem with all these quirky titles.  When I am searching job boards for clients (and on days when I run out of coke and chocolate, for myself) I don’t type Beverage Dissemination Officer into the search engine and I have never typed in Sorcerer of Talent (Human Resources).  Indeed doesn’t send me alerts for Word Wizard even though I am always interested in writing gigs.  I can’t imagine introducing myself to a new client by saying I’m your Livelihood Preparation Ninja.

Trends come and trends go and this is one trend I hope is quickly shown the door by the Portal Ambassador of Good Will.  That would be the doorman.

Gaylene Smith

Alchemist of Expressions – Livelihood Preparation Ninja